This is a message about transgenderism from "eli. 22. demisexual. open to all identities and embodiments. poly. queer. subversive. human. fourth year psych & soc student. pro-women. pro-choice. pro-lgb/t/q/. sex & body-positive. political. radical. philosophical. ex-christian. sensitive. empathetic. egalitarian. writer. depression, usually triggered by college stress."
It is very interesting to read, and highlights the fact that little information often gives the people the wrong idea about things such as gender, as it happens with female-to-male transgender Chaz Bono being the main voice, "THE narrative" of transgenderism: not every trans lived that same experience, says Eli.
It also shows us how NOT definite our gender is at birth, and how people try to understand it by blaming it on external causes. Gender isn't even defined by genitals, as turning into a male won't make Eli less of a "non-binary identified person". Eventually, Eli concludes that even if it wasn't always easy, being trans "has been fucking awesome", whereas being denied an identity, either physical (for instance sexual) or spiritual (religious for instance) was painful.
My own conclusion would thus be that if people can be made happy by being allowed a choice, making them sad by denying them said choice out of misunderstanding or fear is very... well, very human, in a non-rational, non-positive kind of way. It's "mammal" human, and I think an auto-proclaimed "superior" species should know better.
Quoted from xthread, from Woven Together
so i usually almost always just reblog stuff and save my personal thoughts and wrestling-with-the-self type stuff for more private mediums, but i’m thinking today i want to tumble. i have been reblogging quite a bit recently that speaks directly to my current life situation, not just the things i agree with or the ideologies i hold, so i want to get into that. also, be gentle with me. part of the reason i don’t like blogging my own personal stuff on tumblr is because ya’ll aren’t that gentle, and i’m a tenderoni that needs to be handled with care. kay?
recently (as in, last week) i had a conversation with my mom about beginning hormone therapy (which should happen in august!). i’m a (more or less) non-binary* identified person but have been going by he/him/his for over three years now and have been “male” in presentation this whole time. since this is such a huge shift from how i used to present and identify years prior (which was pretty feminine in the socially-legitimated sort of way), everyone in my life took notice. but that doesn’t mean that everyone opened dialogue with me surrounding it, though many did- just not my parents. so this conversation has been a long time coming.
in the back of my mind i always kind of recognized that testosterone would be the only thing with the ability to signal to my parents “hey i’m serious”, and that has really frustrated me. not taking t/ having surgery/ dressing in 100% “male” clothes/ etc are all legitimate ways for a cafab person to express a male gender and/or nonbinary gender. but i didn’t really believe it until last week when i brought up testosterone and my mom pretty much told me she didn’t want me to be a man, completely erasing 1) my inner gender identity, which i have taken time to explain in recent weeks, and 2) my way of living in the world the last three years.
and this is where i want to talk about how “the” trans narrative hurts me.
i don’t want to make this about chaz bono, but he has to be mentioned because of a reason i am about to get to. chaz has received (i’m sorry) WAY too much media attention—simply for being the child of cher—when
he is not the only trans voice, and
*certainly* not MY trans* voice. he’s not only binary-identified, which i’m not, but he’s
hugely sexist. his media attention is problematic for me because people are going to see him and think they understand the trans* experience (as if it’s singular) when they really have no clue (because the reality is that our lives are complex and diverse). and when i say “people” i really mean: my mom. well, at least in the context of this post.
in this dialogue with my mom around my transition there was a huge road bump: i am nothing like chaz bono. (thank god. not that there’s anything wrong with experiencing gender in that way, but, it’s just so not me.) her comments are hard to distinguish in that i can’t tell if she is more upset that i 1) wish to live in a male body now or 2) was content living in a female body previously.** or on a less-presentation-based note, that i 1) had a strong sense of femininity as a child or 2) still have a strong sense of femininity. because she believes THE narrative. and i don’t fit the narrative.
i don’t believe i was “born in the wrong body”. i didn’t hate “girly” things growing up. i am not a misogynist who detests all things associated with women or things deemed “femme” or “feminine” and in fact feel the opposite quite strongly. i didn’t “always know” i was male, nor do i identify as male now. i don’t believe there is one gender in my brain and another in my body,
as chaz bono so ridiculously spouted. i believe that my mind and body are inseparable entities that interact with each other and the world as the world interacts with them; i believe that i am composed of many different genders and identities that i am only able or desiring to express at various different times. i am
happy to have been raised as a girl and encouraged to be sincere, compassionate, creative and empathetic. but being raised as a girl, and enjoying femininity even today—none of that has to determine how i live now.
the thing i am coming to realize is that changing my body actually has little to do with my gender identity(ies) inside. it’s political for me, at least somewhat. i am exercising my freedom to decide for myself which shell my soul navigates the world through, and, essentially, whether this shell has facial hair or not (although it’s a little more complicated than that). i don’t see myself as “female bodied” and i am not transitioning “to” anything. i don’t identify as ftm. i was given this one body, this one body i use to interact with the world around me, and this body has a vagina. and because of that many other people interpret my body as a “female” body. but that doesn’t make my BODY female; at the very least, it makes my *genitals* female (and even then…). there is so much overlap between “the two sexes” (ew) as far as voice pitch, fat distribution, muscle mass, bone structure, height, shoe size, genitals, literally everything— to essentialize everything down to birth sex is like, really fucking trivial. and on a note more related to characteristics, it’s even more trivial. the amount of diversity within experienced and expressed characteristics is a human experience. last time i checked, men and women (binary on purpose) were both human, so they should be able to experience a vast array of emotions/ passions/ feelings/ attractions/ needisaymore.
it hurts me that THE NARRATIVE is so pervasive, not just because it hurts me in itself, but because it hurts me to know i am hurting others by not even remotely fitting it. i mean, they didn’t choose to internalize the blank-to-blank narrative; it’s just the only easily accessible narrative about trans* people. my mom is upset that i “misled” her into believing i was content within my femininity; that i “didn’t show signs” from an early age. in her world, the only *legitimate* way to be trans* (or gay or queer) is by an outside force (be it genetic or environmental) that pushed you into it. to be created this way (in an essentialist way, not in a way that suggests i’ve actively created myself this way). she has tried to pinpoint it to being raised with brothers. to sexual assault i experienced as a child. family members have tried to pinpoint it to my dad having had always wanted his first child to be a boy, and for treating me like one. for my mom’s pregnancy stress washing me in a testosterone bath. for so many things i had no control over.
it’s none of those things. or maybe it is. or maybe i don’t care. ha, i mean, i don’t care. i am queer by choice, friends. i wasn’t always, and there was a time i intensely hated myself for being nonnormative. but those times are in the past. i want to scream from graffitied urban buildings: I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. i’ve legitimately never been happier. i have broken so many boxes; i have shattered so much shame; i have triumphed over so much turmoil; i have pushed through so much pain. (okay WOW rhyming needs to end.) this is NOT to say that being trans* has been painful; i refuse to say my BODY has caused my pain. it hasn’t. being told i am broken was painful. being denied agency over my own sexuality was painful. being denied freedom of gender was painful. being denied freedom of religion was painful. being trans* has been fucking awesome.
and i don’t mean to say that it’s been all happiness and rainbows and unicorns—there have been times when it’s been fucking hard—but i’ve stepped into this place where i feel complete control over who i am and how i exist in the world, where outside forces are no longer playing tug-of-war with my soul… and i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i just wouldn’t.
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*i’m still trying on the non-binary label. i identify mostly as a queer genderblended/ gendercolorful/ gendercreative / genderfierce trans* person. but for some reason it’s important to me to be read as male.
** not to essentialize the male/female body differences. i don’t believe in them. i just can’t take too much time making every word perfect or i will never actually write anything, ever.
*** i still love my binary-identified trans brothers. i love those who identify as ftm, and those who identify as mtm. i love all of ya’ll. it’s just not me.
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these are some things i’ve read that have been meaningful to me lately:
- my trans* confession
- “genderqueer” adjective? noun? verb?
- toward the queerest insurrection
- for lovers and fighters
- chaz bono: almost a transgender role model
- i am not your tragic trans narrative
- i’m glad i’m faab
- the blank-2-blank model
- wrong bodies, wrong gestures
- the cost of exclusion and erasure
